Kiss my ass (a lesson in living)

Kiss My Ass

I have been putting a philosophy together recently that is fairly liberating.  I think of it as an aggressive version of the “my yard” perspective.  In the “my yard” perspective everything is related to setting boundaries and not leaving your “yard” by getting into other peoples business.  This is really affective for some people but as with most things in life I prefer to inject a high-powered steroid directly into its buttcheek and see where that gets me.  (I don’t actually do steroids, but you’d swear I did if you saw how swolt I am)  The shot in the arm that the “my yard” perspective needs is to add the suffix “so kiss my ass!”

I probably lost one of my two readers…

Being a Christian, I naturally had a couple of moral hurdles to jump while embracing this radical new way to live.  After all, would Jesus tell a guy to kiss my ass?  I figure He would, so I move on.  The other hurdles remaining deal primarily with were to draw the lines.  I can not very well walk around handing out knuckle sandwiches to every Tom, Dick, and Harry, but too many restrictions and my philosophy is broken.  So here are the brass tacks:

1. Take your calcium and grow a backbone. A few people want to know the truth, but everyone needs it.  In the modern climate of politically correct methods of interpersonal communication, it has become tricky to speak your mind.  Don’t think for a second that is not the plan.  I frequently use the expression, “Something queer is going on here.”  This phrase was found in the title of a childrens mystery book I read as a kid and you may be shocked to discover that in the entirety of the book no mention of sexual preference can be found.  However, when used in public…    …loudly…   …folks seem uncomfortable.  I realize that it is not my fault that a word meaning strange got twisted into a slur for something strange.  Therefore, I decide that individuals that choose to remain ignorant and selfish and opt to be offended can all kiss my ass.
2. Drop that Southern bush beating. Notice I capitalized Southern not bush. That is because I am not referring to the American Fuehrer, I am referring to the Southern inability to provide any straight talk what-so-ever.  One illustration comes to mind.  As a kid, my family kept a British minister in a guest room in our home.  Brits are not known for their beating around the bush.  This man was a part of a rather large group of ministers convening in Mississippi for a conference of some sort and I have never seen a group of refined Southern women get more offended over a simple (if blunt) explanation of circumstances.  It got so tense that I am fairly confident saying that I heard the Revolutionary War mentioned two or three times.  I noticed in this environment that the Brits were so much funnier and happier than us Yanks.  They birthed Monty Python for God’s sakes.  So, tell it straight and if they can’t take it, they can kiss my ass.
3. Stop looking over your shoulder.  You know they’re watching you. I have found a freedom through settling in to the idea that folks are generally going to have a problem with anything you do.  This is especially true if you are trying to do something that remotely brings you personal happiness.  The shining moment this was realized fully was during a gag in college at lunch one day.  I thought it would be humorus to take a realistic and nasty spill in the cafeteria.  So, I sat at a table with the usual guys around and steadily collected all the spaghetti, meat loaf, and mashed potatoes and piled them high on a tray.  After removing all the forks and knives for safety’s sake, I stood and marched the pile back to the dish land.  On the way I targeted the most haughty jackass I could find in proximity and flawlessly hooked my foot behind his leg and launched myself through the air and landed with an explosion of food flat on my chest.  You absolutely could have heard a pin drop in that room with about 150 people eating lunch that day.  I slowly stood and tearfully looked at my poor target and said, “Thanks a lot!”  The cafeteria roared in ridicule.  As obscure as this example may be, I learned a lesson that day.  If the worst I have to deal with as a result of a stupid decision is a live laugh track, you smug jokers can kiss my ass.
4. Live life like you’re gonna die.   …cause you are. William Shatner put a record out a while back and on it was track about the eventual demise of all humanity.  The song is absolutely hilarious, but like most humor it is grounded in a great truth.  I simply don’t have the resources to waste being sure that everybody I cross from day to day is placated.  Here’s the closest thing to an agreement we are going to have:  I will be me as realistically as possible and you can deal with it.  I will promise to love you as hard as I can, but if have trouble coping with the Phillip pill, you can kiss my ass.